Thursday, December 22, 2005

Late Christmas Shopping

In case some of you still haven't found that perfect excuse to spew conspicuous consumption all over that special someone, here's a great gift. After all, what says Merry *Dominant Consumerist Holiday* like a "Whimsical citrus squeezer and goblet"?

But I realize that the $53 price tag might be a little steep for some of you. I mean we love our loved ones, but $53??!!

Luckily, I am marketing this new product which performs the exact functions, but with a price tag that won't make you yearn for the days of slavery and indentured servitude:
You probably want to see that again:

That's right! It's a wooden spoon with the words, "I strive to be a racist fuck because it shows that I'm oh so trendy and subversive" inscribed on the handle!

All for the super-low price of $37 plus shipping and handling!

"But wait!" you ask. "Does it have as clever and subtlely clever and kitchy clever name as the 'Mandarin Squeezer'?"

Need you even ask?

Please place an order for an "Ignorant Cracker Spoon" today!

Where does this name come from? Why of course from the multi-purpose nature of this wonderous contraption. In addition to squeezing oranges, you can also use it to spoon "Boston Crackas" on to your Chowdah or "Saltines" into your Shark's Fin soup...

What? You don't eat Saltines in your Shark's Fin soup? Do you have something against Crackers?

So order one today! Squeeze your oranges, demonstrate your amazing hipster charm, and build your wrist muscles faster than a stupid asshole with AFS looking at Phan Thi Kim Phuc pictures!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


My mother--the indestructible "woman who does everything more beautifully than you do" is getting out of the hospital tomorrow; a full week earlier than some of the predictions.

I'm sure it's been harder for her, but it's been difficult to watch her, the pain immune, three hours of sleep per night, organizing a new union on top of a full-time job, maniacal exerciser, hobbling around on crutches. If anything, the double hip-replacement surgery and bed time were a relief--finally she was on the path to recovery.

I mean, in a way, it's made me feel my own morality in a way that the grey hairs and being around super-youthful high school kids never has.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a shout-out to all the folks who did the biggest or smallest things to help--the visits, free meals, well-wishes and prayers.

Liz and I are going to head down again to help her rehab at the end of the week, so if I've been particularly bad at corresponding with any of you as of late, I apologize. Maybe that will be one of my debts to make up in the new year.

Keeping us safe

My boy Matt has a good discussion going on his blog about the recent leak on Bush approved unauthorized "eavesdropping".

As Matt emphasizes, this is part of a framework of the administration's attacks on critical dissent. They basically demonize anyone who tries to hold them accountable for anything. I don't care if they visionary leaders, I still want them to embrace and love critical dissent.

The Senate is fighting over what to do over the Patriot Act and I want you to consider two things:
1) Is it worth letting a competent government limit some civil rights to allegedly defend us against some nebulous enemy? Don't we at least need some evidence that these abridgement will bear some sort of dividends besides a loss of freedom? But regardless how you feel on this, it's irrelevant in the face of the second issue:

2) Is this in any way a competent government? I'm sorry, even if Osama Bin Laden was at my door with a missile, what indication has the current administration given that they wouldn't shoot at me on accident because I was drying my hair? These are the assholes who are locking up random people based on name switches or harassing people who read the evil books...

I mean, these are the people who pissed on Pat Tillman's memory by butchering his positions on the war and lying to his family to protect the incompetents who got him killed.

I don't believe in the death penalty and I would fight tooth and nail for Bush and Cheney's lives if they get convicted of capital crimes at their war crimes trials. But can't we like, send them out in a boat or house arrest in their second vacation homes or something?

Listen up, morons! Stop listening to phone conversations and harassing colored people and read some books about what a healthy democratic system is supposed to look like. At least then, once you've put the finishing moves on ours, you can tell mythical legends about what freedom used to look like.
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