Thursday, August 31, 2006

Taking one for the team!

A kind reader responded to my post supporting the profiling of flyers for our safety with this crafty response:

Anonymous said...

Have there been any recent incidents where a white person wanted a Chinese person off of a plane? What about a Mexican? What about an (non-Muslim) African ?

You're making this into a "white people are racist" thing, but the evidence doesn't seem to support that view. It seems that white people, and various colors of people for that matter, are nervous when people who look like they follow the "religion of peace" are on their plane.

Dear Anonymous:

Yes, actually, I was almost kicked off of a flight out of Islip because my penis was too big to fit in my seat. My penis is actually pretty small, but they had assumed that I have a giant cock because of my Chinese ancestry. Kelly Hu was sitting next to me on that flight, but she said nothing. As part of my drug trafficking operation, I employ a number of Mexican people to fly on planes for me, but they actually haven't had any trouble as O'Hare officials were too interested in strip-searching random African-American women at customs.

With your second paragraph, I have no idea what you are talking about. I am in FAVOR of tossing people off of planes because they are too Muslim. I just don't think most people are as clever as those crafty Brits, who could tell just by the way the colored gentlemen were checking their watches that they were bombing for Allah.

Hell, I get nervous too. One time there was this really fat white guy who got on my plane, and I love white people, but I was seriously nervous that his enormous girth would cause the plane to crash into the ocean. I mean it's a scientific principle that planes can't carry infinite weight. The evidence supports this. I'm not a racist--some of my best friends are fat white people, and have even had them over to my house (never for dinner though--I'm not made of money). I just wouldn't want one to marry my daughter.

But what kind of country do we live in? Why can't I have fat people thrown off the plane because they make me nervous?

It gets worse. I'm deathly afraid whenever I see Jewish people with their yamakas board the planes. After all, those evil brown people are always trying to blow up Jewish people, and it's not like you can just blow up part of a plane.

I tell the stewardess, I mean flight attendant (I'm not a sexist), "Could you please remove that Jewish person from the plane because I fear for my life?!" and they look at me like I'm crazy.

I realize that it's not the Jewish people's fault that they are targets. But as Jonah Goldberg has taught me, sometimes some people different from us have to make huge sacrifices for our safety while we make no sacrifices ourselves. So if it was up to me, it'd be no Jewish people on planes or in public EVER!

Can't they just stay in secret compartments somewhere where the terrorists would never find them? I read part of a book about that once about this girl who successfully hid from the evil Nazis (I think they were Muslims too) in a secret compartment and it saved her family. At least that's how I remember it--I didn't get to finish the Cliff's Notes because that awesome 90210 "Rave" episode was on TV, and I just had to catch it.

Because see that's what America is all about--other people giving up stuff for the greater benefit, and by "greater benefit", I of course mean "my benefit", Sure, there are tons of peaceful Muslims in my community who always treat me well, and I think they should be honored to be thrown off a plane or have their faith ridiculed by my Anonymous friends and their condescending quotation marks after all, they are helping America--a land that they love. It may be an abusive, "I love him even though he beats me" kind of love, but who am I to judge love. Unless they are sodomities, in which case I am the perfect person to judge love negatively.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the confusion. If only I could write clearly and concisely like that man I so admire, Mr. Goldberg, He has shown me that just because your people have been the victims of horrible injustices doesn't mean that you can't preach for further injustices to be visited on others. What a brave, articulate man.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Book Burning

Who needs a bonfire when you have satire?

All the fun, none of the oppression of speech!
Listed on