Monday, March 21, 2005

March Madness Drinking/Race Game

The first week of the tournament is over, but we still have two full weeks to go in what many consider the most exciting sports event in the history of the entire fucking world.

Unfortunately, as usual, the announcing "talent" is horrendous. The Illinois-Nevada game was particularly atrocious as the play-by-play man appeared to have forgotten his spectacles. On every other shot, he said, "And it appears that was only a 'two'--his foot was on the line, as someone buried a 12-footer." When the action threw a curve, like when the Nevada coach was charged with a technical, the announcer was completely lost--the last person in the entire building to figure out what was going on.

To survive this distracting, inaccurate commentary, I suggest a simple game--everytime the annoucers say a player's name when he doesn't have the ball, take note. For example, if Daniel Ewing makes a brilliant steal and score, and the announcer takes the opportunity to discuss the merits of JJ Redick, that's a point in the Redick column. If you partake in the dispicable activity of consuming alcholic beverages, take a swig.

If you wish, you can add extra conditions for more fun:
1. Everytime the announcers point out that one of the players was a high school quarterback, drink twice.
2. Everytime the camera crew focuses on the white family members of the white coach of one of the teams in a close game, drink twice.
3. Everytime the camera crew focuses on a black player's family or a mixed family in a close game, jump off of a tall building.

Liz and I did this over the last couple of days and the results were hardly surprising (we used yogurt instead of booze):
1. We had our normal lunches during Arizona, Illinois, or any games in which the star player was non-white.
2. We had fucking lactose overdoses everytime Utah, Duke or one of the other teams with a strong white player was on the court. Ewing and Williams for Duke got talked about less combined than Redick.
3. We are still living and breathing and did even a single time have to use our amazing bird-like flying skills.
4. Liz's family members who weren't even watching the Utah game asked us "What is a 'Bogut' and what does it have to do with basketball?"

Additionally, I've never heard a so-called neutral announcer whine so much about calls as during the second Duke game. After Ewing stole the ball AFTER the referees had recognized a Mississippi State timeout, the lead announcer literally screamed "NO NO THEY CAN'T CALL TIMEOUT HE STOLE THE BALL!" and proceed to ridicule the MSU player for not taking care of the ball AFTER the timeout was declared.

It kind of reminded me of that scene from "The Program" where Omar Epps has to take care of his pet football throughout all of his daily activities: when he's in class, doing laundry, walking across campus, having sex with Halle Berry, etc.

Anyway, let me know what you find next week in your March Madness.



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